I have always had a lot of conversations with myself. I think, ponder and dialogue with myself throughout my day. When I was younger I was an extravert in other people’s life, but an introvert with my own. You would often find me surrounded by lots of friends. I was the girl in school who had friends in every clique. I got along with everyone and, generally, I have always loved people. I have always wanted to know about, and discover other people. In my younger years, I would always ask lots of questions to find out their story. But, other than a few close friends no one knew my story. No one knew who I really was, what I felt and thought – and the struggles I faced in my early years. I have always preferred to spend time talking about others, rather than talking about myself. By choice, the volume of my voice was very low. As I have moved through life and gotten older I have raised the volume on my voice: by necessity, by request and by desire.
I am now at the beginning stages of truly honoring and honing my voice. It’s funny, because after 40+ years of listening to myself it’s only over the last 8-years that I have truly started to hear myself. How am I supposed to make an impact with myself, and others, if I don’t listen, hear and speak my voice?
I don’t think I am the only person who has walked a long road to find their voice…
Step 1: Know Your Voice
Knowing your voice is kind of like solving a who-done-it mystery. You need to identify who, what, when, where and why. It means you have a solid sense of who you are, what you think and why you think it. One of the best places to start is to keep a personal journal or diary. Every day, if only for 5 minutes, write what happened to you – what it made you think about and how it made you feel. As a nightly activity, take one example in your day (at work or at home) that stood out to you. As an example 1. A co-worker saying something that upset you or 2. A family member acting-out of character. Use these moments to start to break down what happened, what you thought and how you felt. This will help you notice patterns of who are at your core.
Step 2: Hone Your Voice
I grew up reciting “sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me” in elementary school. Those days are long gone. First, because “we” are no longer in the first grade. Second, because our society has become more divided by opinions and words. As you become more comfortable with knowing your voice…you may find courage to start sharing your voice. It’s likely that it will not be perfect the first few times you genuinely share what you are thinking at your core. Try to taste your words before you speak them. Finding your voice is a large part of your human evolution. But, the goal is to strike a balance of both feeling heard and being heard. If your voice, and the words you choose, are too sharp it will counteract the original intent. To begin to practice honing your voice start by sharing your thoughts on a topic that isn’t too emotionally charged.
Step 3: Know the Point of your Voice
As you start to explore genuinely speaking your voice try to make sure you know, and have, a point to it. In your work or personal life there is typically a reason why you are speaking your voice/opinion and you likely have a goal you are trying to achieve with sharing your words. I have found that sometimes I enjoy the act of sharing my voice that I can get ‘lost in my own sauce.’ My thoughts and words can meander too much and then I am ineffective with getting my point across. I sometimes have to tell myself (in my head) to stick to the story, the point, the goal – the reason why I am sharing – to achieve the understanding I am seeking.
Step 4: Express Your Voice
As I have evolved as a human being, expressing my voice has been some of the most confronting work I have had to consciously work on. Women often feel like they should be seen, not heard. Women tend to organically fit into a supportive or nurturing role, both at work and at home. I have noticed that, generally, women allow the male energy in the room to find its place first and IF there is remaining space and time they will speak up. If you feel hesitant to speak up or speak out I encourage you to challenge yourself once a day to just try it out. Find a topic you are passionate about and share! I have found that if I stick to me – not being the protagonist – but rather someone else or something else I am more heard because it does not seem self-serving.
It may seem strange to break-down ‘finding your voice’ in 4-steps. However, you carry your voice everywhere you go. If you understand, know and trust your voice it can help you in both relationships and in your career. Speaking your voice (respectfully and tactfully) can help you be a better spouse, partner, parent, child, sibling and friend – enabling you to build bridges and refine how to communicate and connect with those you care about and love. Speaking your voice at work can elevate the kind of leader, manager, co-worker, team member, mentor, coach and influencer you are – both off – and online. By the way, if after you speak your voice you find that it is not well received (at work or at home) perhaps that’s a sign of something greater that you should pay attention to.
